♫♪would you touch me?♫♪
hey you
something about lefties. unsure if you meant politically or someone who is predominantly left handed.
i'm starting to suspect that i may be an "aspie" i tend to be a very precise person. i like even numbers, i am antisocial - (for reasons i will explain in a bit) but somehow imprecise - and slobbish. mess pisses me off, but i will get myself in a rut over cleaning.
i'm the same with sex. i'm a no boundaries kind of woman. add the fact that i tend to be very trusting and naive to the mix, i have hooked up with some really rotten bastards. but i enjoy the hell out sex and become obsessed and methodical about obtaining it any way i possibly can when i'm in a "relationship." this is why i'm a commitment phobe at this point. and through being so - have become antisocial.
and
i am also antisocial, because i get overstimulated by people, very easily. right now, as i sit here writing this - i'm back from a fetish party. fetish parties are very... fluid and tactile. people tend to touch and get cuddly or "hitty" and i tend to attract both sorts of attention - i have no idea why. i think it may be my love of bastards. really, just assholes. this was different, the man who literally hit on me was a sadistic nerd.. we talked about comics and then he beat me with a rolled up yoga mat. he didn't ask if it was ok, he just grabbed it and started beating me with it. not in a nice way - if there is a nice way to hit someone, these were hard blows, all along my back and bottom. he had a hold of my left arm while he did it, holding me put. he did it until i gasped and asked very politely - for him to stop.
i have a thing for nerds and mean nerds.. sadistic nerds, even better. fucking pricks. it's the smart ones. always, always. if they're smart and have a penchant for abuse - (sigh) that's a long fucking story.
i'm being imprecise right now. but.. in a very precise way - because if you'll notice there is a theme here.
over stimulation
sex
antisocial behavior to deal with the addiction to the aforementioned activities.
because i lack a very basic ability to control myself. which brings me back to the original portion of this discussion of my possibly being an "aspie" - suddenly, this is making a lot more sense - my fucking "weirdness". i have no fucking clue what i'm talking about. i've only read 2 books on asperger's syndrome and have a friend that i call "D" that i've known for 4 years. we used to have really inappropriate conversations at really really inappropriate times. he's not the only one i've done this with - he's just the one i fell in love with. and never felt "weird" about it. my honesty scares most people. not "D" he once told me that if we could put both of our hearts together - we'd have the perfect heart. because mine skips beats and his beats extra sometimes. it was a very literal comment but the way he said it made me love him - it was sweet. i used to want "D" he broke my heart. i wanted him to rape me. he is very unwilling to compromise his rules though. because i think if he did, he'd be a freak, like me. i get with a partner and i am relentless, i want every touch, every intimacy to turn into fucking. i'm a nympho, just for him. and it wears them down... you'd think it wouldn't get old, but it does. sex addicts are difficult to live with. and i want it. all the time. all. the. time.
it doesn't matter if i'm menstruating - which for some people is a no no. no go. no show. "i don't want to see the red river flowing or the red tide coming in." i'm all about it. fuck me harder, fill me up with cum, we will turn the sheets red. the blood spatter alone is divine. it's beautiful to look like you've fucked someone to death. and the smell. all that stuff mixed together. cum and blood and sweat. it's brutality contained.
it doesn't matter if i'm sick. i could have a snotty nose and be running a fever. i had the swine flu and pestered my partner to fuck me while i was running a 102 degree temperature. it was HOT SEX. (because yes, he relented) it was kind of "hard" not to, when i put his dick in my mouth.
this is what i mean by an inappropriate conversation - because this is a conversation that i would feel OK having with someone, anyone really. you, right now, for instance. i may not even get aroused in telling someone this, but they would and they'd take advantage of me.
i'm somewhat of the innocent whore. getting back to the no boundaries part. i'm so painfully all or nothing. this is a mix of the trust thing and the building trust thing (which surprisingly doesn't take that long with me and some people, even though it should) i look at trust as sharing intimacies with one another... if you share deep dark secrets with me, i will trust you. (and that makes me a fool) but a delicious fool because it makes me wet to think of someone taking advantage of me. there are so many bad.. bad.. men out there. so many sadistic nerds.. so many real rapists.. so many.. the world has so many.
i've run through so many. i've been relatively "lucky" though within the last few years, they've started to have a conscience about it. the monsters are less monstrous, it seems, slim pickings for the likes of this masochist. the thing that i find irritating, is the confusion about masochists being submissive. ummm.. no. i'm not submissive, i lack the control needed for that. you can't beat it into me, i like the beatings. i'm not going to be more submissive with beatings, i'm going to love you more. i'm going to tell you more. i'm going to shower you with attention - and if you reject me, i'll jump ship. like a rat. i have commitment problems and a sexual addiction. if i think i'm not going to get sex from you - forget it. "that's not very loyal" you say. neither is NOT fucking me. NOT fucking me isn't loyal at all. and i'm not submissive, so no, i won't shut my fucking mouth about it.
i lack a very basic ability to control myself.
so i normally avoid these situations.
♫♪hey you. with your ear against the wall, waiting for someone to call out. would you touch me.♫♪
please. won't you touch me?
