i told him from the moment we met - that i'd never love him as much as he wanted. he maintained that he did not care. i found out that i did. that was the beginning of the end and that was 2 years in. we were doomed. he, was an optimist. or maybe he just wanted me that bad or thought that i was that special. i remember when he told me he thought we were meant to be together, my heart sank. i swore i would never say that to someone. isn't that terrible?
the truth is, i'm paranoid. as fuck. i should probably be medicated for it or whatever the only way i'm taking "pills" is if they're needed to keep me alive, right. so far, my paranoia hasn't killed me. it's made me nervous as hell, delusional at times and difficult to be around - i divorced my husband because i thought he deserved to have a life. he was miserable. he stopped fucking me. that's how goddammed miserable i made him. then i felt bad and was angry because i'd find lube in the shower and he knew.. he knew i would always fuck him. i never turned him down. and he would rather rub his fucking dick in the shower. so, i told him he needed to move out. he cried. i felt guilty. he stayed. a month passed. October 2009 my dog started getting sick. i was in denial about it. i'd had her since 1997. i wasn't ready for her to die. you never are. my heart was breaking for it. not for my marriage. i was sick over having to euthanize my girl, my friend. but i knew she was hurting and i couldn't bear to let her suffer. so i didn't. i told him he needed to move out. he did. 1 week later - i had her put to rest and he spent every night with me, holding me while i was in hysterics and then really scary silences that would last for days. the pendulum was swinging at a very high arch. he would eat my cunt while i cried just to take my mind out of it for a while and then fuck me. my god. i have never had better sex than when i was fucking my ex. ex sex... i could feel the change in him. he was starting to hate me. he fucked me like he hated me. he fucked me so hard that i would spot after. but i was hungry for more. always more. i moved to an apartment. the divorce was slowly progressing. he came over every night and i'd leave the door unlocked for him and lie on my bed naked, curled on my side and i'd get wet when i would hear him unbuckling his belt... sliding it out of the loops... i wanted him to beat me. i wanted him to make me sorry. but he never did. he just savagely ate my cunt, would fuck me for a few minutes and then shove his cock in my face (when i told him to, of course... little sub sub...) until i shook and came on his face... then he'd fuck me until my cunt was almost dry. he knew how to fuck. i knew how to fuck him. (i didn't know how to fuck the surrogate - i just let him rape me.) this went on until one day - he came over and told me he'd fucked someone else - right after the last time we were together, then he left. i wasn't mad. i was disappointed that he wasn't going to come over and fuck me anymore.
the divorce was finalized. he cried. again. then he met his new girlfriend 2 weeks after. i was just in a weird place. i was in a depression because of my dog. my paranoia got worse. i spent a lot of time playing Sims 2. i had no television (still don't), i was too cheap to pay for internet, i was too afraid to go out and meet anyone, and i was busy getting fucked up and shaving my head.
i moved. again. roommate - forced socialization. the truth is, i wanted to get the fuck on with my life. so i had a look see for people here and there. first one - John, in his late thirties, British guy, very smart - wanted me - wanted to collar me. turns out he's married and she doesn't know. no. after that... there seemed to be a flood of married men, vying for my attention. NO! then i met Randy. wow. i kinda fell for him. he was separated. (i've been there) he taught me things... taught me to enjoy things that i did not like... cunt spanking. things end badly. then. Chris. i met Chris not long after Randy. i wasn't ready for him then. i dashed. 9 months later Chris is back. i fall. hard this time. oh man. but the paranoia, the self doubt... coupled with his own things.
shit just..
when it was good, it was great.
then it just wasn't.
what a disappointment.
so there. caught up. trying not to nurse that break too much.
however. i have to use inspiration as it's given to me. if i need to write about all this - then i need to write about all this. the truth is. i don't like that Chris got to me like he did. i don't like that he had that much power over me, even though i willingly gave it to him. it just fuels my paranoia.
we are like the two pushing sides of a magnet, you can force them together but they will always fly apart again.
