i can't stop cutting my hair. i'm bothered by it and i refuse to let someone cut it. i don't know why. every morning i look in the mirror and i hold up bits of it... examining, feeling... the texture of my hair. those bits feel dry and hollow. so i cut them off. i worry things. i worry my hair. i worry my soul. i sigh a lot. i dream a lot. i write a lot. i think a lot. i'm good with details. (like looking through a microscope at things - that light) my seeing. that's me in my writing, the devil in the details. (i no longer wonder if i'm odd, i know that i am) that's how i am in life, looking at things through a microscope. i get so tired of concentrating... everything. which is one of the reasons i'm a sadomasochist. i get to let go of the concentration and just live in the moment of pain. when i felt the needle go through my right nipple, outside to inside... i came in my panties and i cried out in ecstasy. (my piercer enjoys me) things get so.. tight. and focused with me. pain and fucking; bring me clarity. pleasure is so very close to pain anyway. when i climax, it feels almost like a charlie horse cramp in my uterus - but goddammit if it isn't the best fucking cramp i've ever had. pain is like that except normally, we associate it with "bad" things being hurt and i'm talking superficially, because most of the "hurt" in BDSM is superficial, even if the bruises look "nasty" sometimes. who's to say he can't grab me around the throat and squeeze while he says he loves me? who's to decide that we shouldn't use metal or teeth on our nipples and clits and cocks... (oh my) what's the fear about? i've let it go or i do. but shit gets rocked so easily with me, because i get so... concentrated. focused on the details, taking it in - so i can use it to amuse myself. i get bored easily. but i like doing nothing. the contradictions never end. it's frustrating that i can't be one way or one thing all the time. i'm not stable. who is? i don't want to be like them, i like being me. finally. i'm not focused now. i'm teetering on the brink of a brain explosion. i'm very shattered. i feel like i've been through a shitstorm and don't know if i've seen the other side of it or if this is the eye of the storm of shit. because i'd like to get back to doing nothing again. being mean. impressing people for odd reasons. and getting bored as fuck again. sometimes i feel like i can't wait for my life to begin. i realized that i've been feeling/hoping to feel that all of my life. and i wonder what i'm doing wrong. why i haven't got there yet. (living) and i feel like it could end any time now. i could blink out and be gone. i don't mean metaphorically. if this were my last night on earth - say this were my last hour in fact.
i would.
[start from the beginning]
